If you’re looking for something uplifting to read, stop right here. I’ve been experiencing a considerable amount of pain lately. It’s not the kind of pain you might think. My cancer is under control. There’s not any degree of physical pain from which I’m suffering that’s causing me to forgo my usual daily activities. Before I get into exactly what I’m talking about, let me talk about physical pain a bit. As I harken back to when I was in my twenties, thirties and even forties, I hardly had physical pain except when I injured myself in some way. Back then, I was an avid runner. It was common for me to run five miles in the morning before going to work, and to run after work, too. I felt the pain of shin splints occasionally. I had a few days of rest, and I was fine. Pain sometimes came from other minor injuries, but none of these experiences were show-stopping.
At age forty-nine, when cancer invaded my space, took up residency, and continues to be an unwelcome guest, I’ve had pain of a genre like no other. However, this and all the physical pain I’ve suffered has been relatively quick to exit. I feel it. I go through the process of applying a remedy to rid myself of it. The remedy could be medication, surgery, or whatever is appropriate for getting over it and moving on. I usually know what’s going on, because it’s within me.
There’s another kind of pain that seems to take a deeper cut into your very being. It reaches down to those emotional triggers from which you try to protect yourself. Your experience is vicarious; however, the physical manifestation of the experience is no less real. You find yourself sitting in a dark spot, wanting to do something, but there’s nothing you can do physically. You pray. You wait for updates, which often fall short of offering the relief you desire.
I wrote recently about my cousin Hansel, who died from complications due to pneumonia. Hansel lived a thousand miles from me. It seems waiting for his death was all I could do. That’s pain like none other, for me anyway. The emotional weight is heavy. The emotional pain of waiting while a loved one suffers is different from whatever physical pain I might go through. It’s the pain that triggers us to lay down our lives for a friend. The bad guys in movies understand this pain. Often, they threaten the lives of loved ones or a friend in attempts at motivating someone to do something they want. They hit those emotional triggers square on the head.
This blog is in response to some emotional pain I’m experiencing right now. It’s the result of simply sitting at the keyboard and letting my emotions be my guide. I apologize for taking you through this; however, I find that writing about what’s happening helps. Your willingness to lend an ear works well, too.
I’m old and blessed…hope you will be too.
My heart goes out to you, my brother. I am praying for you and your painful situation.
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Words are easily spoken – praying for your relief.